[From the Archives] Lessons From a Long Week of Tryouts
Deep breaths, everyone.
Happy Friday, everyone. With soccer, plus fall baseball and softball, tryouts around the corner, thought it would be great time to reshare this piece from last May. It was pretty therapeutic for me to write at the time and hoping it will soothe more people this go around. I wrote it in response to some pretty intense soccer tryouts but it really does apply across the board. There isn’t much for me to add a year later other than puberty and whether your kid is an early or late bloomer has a MASSIVE impact in the short-term. They’ll catch up. Others will catch up to them.
But still hoping the main takeaway is not to take anything personal. And whether your kid feels like they’re going to be the worst player on one team or the best player on another, just focus on the positives of whatever the situation holds. Again, deep breaths…and please add in any tryout advice I may have missed.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month and few things in youth sports are more stressful and piercing to the soul than tryouts. My family is coming up for air after an incredibly trying tryout week that came with a cocktail of emotions. Tears. Anger. Confusion. Elation.
We’re amid tryout season in many sports. Lacrosse. Soccer. Basketball. Fall teams and summer teams. Tiny tryouts for teams with roster gaps. Mega tryouts for organizations looking for complete team formations. In our case, it was soccer tryouts with my older son trying out for an organization that funnels three clubs into one and creates new tiers starting at U13. They encourage outside players too so SOL on the loyalty front. Unlike all the years with the same team without major changes, this was a whole new ballgame. Last Sunday, this team that had been together for five seasons was reveling in their special bond. 24 hours later they were competitors vying for x number of spots in a whole new soccer world. It was an emotionally jarring experience for the kids and, by extension, the parents. And one that came with several surprises.
I don’t have any “answers” per se but I’m here to share my takeaways, some of which are captain obvious and others I learned along the way.
The First Rule of Tryouts … Don’t Talk About Tryouts
Your kid is going to have some level of stress heading into any tryout. Even for teams that do sham tryouts where the current team is expected to roll into the next season, you never know if a bunch of ringers are going to pop in and claim some spots.
Instead of asking your kid who they think is going to show or if they’re excited or nervous, say NOTHING. Let your kid express themself if they so choose. It’s the same message Positive Coaching Alliance says about coaching your kid on the way to a game or baiting them into dissecting their performance right after. Don’t do either. Let it be child led. When you and your kid get in the car to head to tryouts, try and come equipped with a litany of good yet not-so-obviously-trying-to-distract distractions. A favorite podcast, perhaps. Music. Conversation about school or other aspects of their life. Just anything but tryout talk unless they initiate.
My kid’s soccer coach sent a final message to the team that I think is about the max we should say to our kids ahead of this tryout stuff: “Be confident and have fun.”
Don’t Blame the Coaches if You’re Disappointed
It’s a lazy narrative for parents to suggest that Coach X is blind, or Coach Y is biased. Of course coaches are biased. That’s the nature of the beast. Sure, in a sport like track and field you have objective numbers such as long jump distance or 400m time. But even a coach who is choosing between two athletes might see something in the athlete with a slightly shorter long jump distance they believe they can coach up, be it strength training or running form. Some coaches might even prefer “projects” to polish so they can showcase their work in before and after form. Even in a professional sport like the NFL where prospects are poked and prodded to produce a variety of objective measurables like resting heart rate and hand size, not to mention actual on field stats, there are so many other factors that go into rankings. That’s why everyone’s NFL Draft predictions are always a hot mess!
Just remember, what one coach sees in your kid and their idea of how to develop your kid may be vastly different from another coach. It’s really hard, but don’t take it personally.
Understand Coaches Are Piecing Together a Puzzle
Remember that teams are built to be complete entities. A more talented player can easily be passed up for a player who fills a specific need. Say a baseball team is holding tryouts and already has an incredible array of pitchers and defenders but the hitting could use a boost. A sensible coach will likely pick a player who is very good at hitting even if he can’t field or pitch over a player who is more talented overall but not as good a hitter.
Again, don’t take it personally.
Don’t Accept a Role Your Kid Isn’t Comfortable With
Ok, just need to put this one into the universe. I’m proud as all hell of my kid. He was offered a spot on a prestigious team for a position he played much of last year but has fallen out of love with and wound up not even trying out for this week. (Soccer peeps can probably guess the position. 😃 ) He turned down the offer and chose to play for a different team where he will have a more hybrid role that he’s thrilled to take on. It’s quite possible he falls in love with the position again and heads back that direction. But for now, he’ll be on a still great, highly competitive team having fun with friends and not being forced to specialize.
Accepting the offer to the slightly more prestigious team would have been an easy move and an automatic yes for many parents and kids. But in this case, my son knew what he wanted and he’s ecstatic about his new team. He’ll keep playing soccer this year and hopefully for years to come … on his terms. Kids should be happy playing sports. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Figure Out a Sleep Plan
This week’s tryouts were our first true foray into the unknown, and getting sound sleep was a challenge. My son was grappling with potentially being forced into a role he didn’t want. I hadn’t yet come to the realizations of the other points in this piece and was admittedly operating like an insane soccer mom. It also didn’t help that the tryouts were from 8-9:30PM and my kid came home starving. If I had to do it again, I would have popped a melatonin or turned on a sleep story for my kid. Anything to calm the anxiety.
Order of Calls Means Very Little
Youth sports parent 1: Oh hi, have you heard anything yet?
Youth sports parent 2: Actually, yeah Billy got his offer this morning. What about you guys?
Youth sports parent 1: Not yet but hopefully soon
AWKWARD. We’ve all been there, right? Please don’t jump to conclusions. Maybe the coach is going in alphabetical order. Maybe Billy has a sibling on another team and the coach is making calls for both. Maybe the coach is calling by positional group or waiting to hear if some offers are accepted before making more calls.
And yeah, maybe your kid isn’t getting called but there’s no point jumping to conclusions. Again, distractions are you and your kid’s best friend.
Try Not to Overthink It
As a kid or parent, it’s easy to mindfuck yourself. Why did this kid make it and not me? What if I had blocked one more shot? Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that lasagna 45 minutes before tryouts.
The what-ifs will drive you mad and have all kinds of possible ramifications that extend beyond team placement. Try to focus on the positives and move on. The good news if we’re talking about kids. Remember, kids are malleable and working through a little disappointment is healthy preparation for being a resilient adult.