New Book's Blunt PSA: ‘Shut Up, Your Kid is Not That Great’

Dear sports parent...

You know the type of sports parent. The one that feels the need to tell you how fast or strong his kid is when you’re watching the same match and can make that determination for yourself. Or the one that lets it slip that their family has a college recruiting advisor for their 9-year-old tennis star.

Look, when my kids aren’t making bad jokes about their balls or ignoring me, I think they’re pretty amazing too. I think there’s some things they do especially well and some they don’t. I too often think about where the experience of playing sports could lead (ignoring the fact that it’s probably a dead end). I’ve told my kids they’re great at something sports-related on many occasions. I don’t think I’m that egregious on the obnoxious parent scale. But still, Jason Cole would probably suggest I shut the hell up.

Cole’s new book, Shut Up, Your Kid is Not That Great ($17.95, Simon and Schuster) is a fun, snarky and, at times, abrupt reminder for braggy parents that their kid isn’t poised to be the next Lionel Messi. The book is a montage of reality checks – your kid isn’t going to be the next Top Chef or Elon Musk or Simone Biles or Albert Einstein and so on. But its undertones of nuanced sports parenting advice is what lingers.

Cole, a veteran NFL reporter and editor, has authored a litany of books, including a biography on John Elway. But it’s his experience as a youth sports coach and youth sports dad that inspired him to write Shut Up.

For some ungodly reason, Cole coached Little League for eight years BEFORE having a child. He loved baseball and coaching and wanted to join his best friend in the fun. He also went on to coach youth basketball and become a referee (back when people wanted to do that gig.)

Cole encountered his first truly clueless parent while coaching baseball. He makes clear that a certain parent of a young pitcher he coached wasn’t a bad guy, per se, but as Cole put it, “he did all the wrong things.” If someone told this dad something different than how they were coaching, the dad would take it as gospel.

One game the kid was throwing hard but having control issues. Despite the still live action, the dad walked onto the field and said, ‘Hey Jason, I have a question.’ Cole sternly told him to exit but he at first refused. He finally left the field but later baffled, asked another coach if Cole was ok as he seemed upset when the dad entered the field. This dad had zero sense of boundaries.

“That was one of my first revelations that parents do some stupid stuff,” Cole says.

Well-intentioned or not, a parent clueless about the landscape and realties of youth sports can cause their kid incredible harm, Shut Up explains with a variety of compelling examples.  Cole saw the extreme while covering high-schools sports for a few years when he took calls like ‘My kid should be All-League’ or ‘My kid is better than that kid.’

Still, he understands the underlying motivation behind braggy parents. “You live through the reflective glory of your kids,” he said. “You love your kids; you think they’re perfect. They’re your creation. I mean, there are all kinds of levels of ego that I’m sure Freud would have a field day with. There’s an emotional commitment that can be healthy and unhealthy.”

Cole considers the threshold of dangerous sports parenting as the point when parents start to manipulate the process by either making it easy for them or taking control.

In Shut Up, Cole tells the cautionary tale of former quarterback Drew Henson and his classic helicopter dad. Henson verbally committed to play quarterback at Florida State but reversed course once the Seminoles recruited Chris Weinke. Dan Henson advised his son to avoid the challenge, and Henson instead went to Michigan where it was assumed he would have an easier runway.

“If he is really the wunderkind you say he is, let him go compete,” Cole said. “Steer him into the competition, not away.”

Turns out that everything was so prearranged and micromanaged by his dad that Drew couldn’t even handle the boos that Ohio State fans are obligated to hurl at any Michigan quarterback. He was that fragile.

Conversely, Tom Brady Sr. (who penned the introduction for Shut Up) took a healthy approach with his Michigan quarterback son. After Tom lost out to Brian Griese for Michigan’s starter job, he thought about coming home and transferring to Cal.

Brady Sr. said, ‘You can do that but you might be better sticking it out.’ He didn’t insist Tom decide one way or another but he subtly gave him the support and love to jump into the challenge that was the Michigan quarterback situation. There, Tom developed a competitive fire unlike anything we’ve seen in sports.

Modern day youth sports are rooted in the same parental buckets - the overbearing sports parent trying to control every outcome for their child vs. the enlightened sports parent who allows their kid’s sports (and life path) to be directed by the kid’s passion and talents, not their own. And also figuring out how to help kids overcome challenges within their passions and not run away when things get fiery.

Cole acknowledges the temptation for modern sports parents to fall into unhealthy habits. “The stakes are higher. There are college scholarships. And maybe you truly believe your kid will have a chance for a pro career, and now that means generational money,” he said. “Unfortunately, it’s really unhealthy because it’s more pressurized and it misses the point of playing sports. Sport is about passion.”

If there’s one message Cole hopes readers take away from Shut Up, it’s that every kid has passions. It’s our job as parents to help them figure what they’re truly passionate about.

Fine kid, I’ll let you attend that volleyball camp you’re begging to try even though you’ve never played the sport.

…

For more information about Shut Up, You Kid is Not That Great and to order, click here.