Please Leave The Cowbell Home

"I got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell." - said Bruce Dickinson and no one else ever

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I believe my older son was seven the first time I heard it in the youth sports realm. I was hoping it was a one-time assault on the ears. Perhaps a mute parent with no other means of cheering on her kid’s interception at a flag football game. All she could think to do was shake that thing in her hand and let the piercing sound do its thing. But this lady was far from a mute, screaming at the college-aged refs, and that thing, well, my ear drums would soon discover its prevalence on the soundtrack of youth sports.

In the iconic 2000 Saturday Night Live sketch, Will Ferrell playing the fictional Gene Frenkle told his Blue Oyster Cult bandmates, “The last time I checked we don’t have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell.”

The ‘More Cowbell’ sketch has lived on infamy, thanks to the legendary performances of Ferrell, Christopher Walken, Jimmy Fallon and the other SNL cast members. But the real star of the sketch was the ridiculousness of the cowbell.

The cowbell is a stain on art be it a band or the authenticity of cheering fans. Unfortunately, almost concurrent with the SNL sketch, the cowbell started hitting the American sports landscape where it too often resides today. As cowbell importer Elisabeth Halvorson explained in a 2012 CNN interview, the cowbell was an Alpine novelty. Used in Switzerland, cows roamed with bells on in the summer. Then in the winter, the farmers would ski so families decided to borrow the cowbells from the barn as a means of cheering. Despite its piercing sound, the cowbell proved to be a more comfortable option than taking off mittens and cheering in frigid temperatures. But damn, those things are loud.

“Olympians have told me that when they’re at the bottom of the hill, they can hear a little shouting but they can really hear the cowbells,” Halvorson told CNN.

The cowbell has been utilized forever at places like Mississippi State where a cow was said to roam onto the football field in the 1950’s. But it was not until the new century that the cowbell became commonplace in American sports thanks to its status as a novelty item at the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics.

Unfortunately it’s become a mainstay in youth sports. Hockey. Football. Soccer. Baseball. It’s everywhere and it SUCKS.

When did parents start to need help cheering? Seriously, it’s your kid out there. Isn’t your voice enough? Don’t you want to personalize your cheering? Have your kid or their teammate feel the authenticity of your joy?

Yet so many fans at youth sports events find it appropriate to replace the tone of their voice with a generic noisemaker. It reeks of laziness and makes me wonder if the spectator is even paying attention. Say you’re at a baseball that is dragging. Who knows when your kid is coming to bat. You pull out the iPad and start binge watching Love is Blind (not that I would ever watch that garbage, not at all). You get sucked in but then the fans around you start cheering, You’re so immersed in how horrific Leo is treating both Hannah and Brittany, you have zero clue what just happened in the game. But you know you’re supposed to be happy so you start ringing the cowbell to appear part of the revelry. You don’t care who you’re annoying or what kid’s feelings you’re hurting with the “rub it in” nature that is the cowbell. Next time just pay attention and cheer without the cue.

That misuse of the cowbell is tame compared to its far more frequent use - to be annoying as all hell. Somewhere along the way parents seemed to forget that youth sports are not life and death. Your kid scores a goal. Great, cheer for her. High five your fellow parents. Then chill. There is zero reason to have the amplified shrill of a cowbell ever but particularly at a kid soccer match. And especially when you’re the visitor.

It’s also incredibly rude to the opponent particularly when used after a kid makes a mistake like an own goal or missing a layup. Earlier this week I took a very scientific poll of four registered sporty dudes in my soccer carpool. All four were very accepting of the other team’s parents loudly cheering for their kids. All four strongly agreed that they hate the cowbell, calling it “hella annoying” and “an L.” Simply put, parents with cowbells cast a negative light on their children.

By the way, it’s not just cowbells. Vuvuzelas, thunder sticks, air horns, they are all terrible and unnecessary. Every time my beloved 49ers sound a fog horn, I wince. It’s all so cheesy and artificial.

What is not cheesy and artificial is emphatically cheering for your kid. The only accessories you need are your vocal cords and a warm hug.