The Perfect Youth Sports Triangle
No, not going Phil Jackson on you all. But it's time for a little geometry.
Here I go again about to preach behavior I haven’t exactly practiced to a tee in the past. But thanks to the many experts I’ve converse with on a regular basis since launching Good Game, I get to pass along fresh perspectives and to you and learn a boatload along the way.
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Ok, so a few weeks ago I attended a Positive Coaching Alliance training for parents of players participating in our local baseball and softball league. To be honest, I wasn’t entirely convinced I needed to attend. After all, I write a *fancy* youth sports newsletter that dives deep into the psychology of youth sports parental behavior. Haven’t I heard all the things from all angles? And I’ve had enough experience now as a sports parent, coach and manager that I hardly consider myself one of those parents.
But I figured there might be something new to glean. Simply discussing the endless layers of being a sports parent, especially with parents of kids that are different ages and playing a different sport, is always valuable. Besides, I kinda had to be there since I’m the compliance officer on our board and adding a parent training to the longstanding coach training was my brainchild.
The training called Second Goal Parent - the power of having little goals and bigger goals - absolutely blew me away. There is something so soothing and pure about discussion centered on turning teachable moments into life long lessons. Instead of focusing on results, Positive Coaching Alliance reminds us that we as parents should redirect our commentary toward teamwork, time management, resiliency, accountability, work ethic, and attitude. We should trade in a fixed mindset for a growth mindset.
Fixed: “Wow, that was a great play. You are so good at volleyball.”
Growth: “Wow, that was a great play. All the extra work you’re putting in is really paying off.”
Some of one you may be thinking, yeah yeah, easier said than done. Or that it’s a bit Pollyannaish. But I do think it’s a great reminder to try to not be so results oriented, particularly in the younger sect where you often hear parents (and in turn kids) so focused on "how many goals they scored” as opposed to passing, defense or any of the high emotional IQ traits that are essential for team sports harmony.
As the training neared its conclusion, my mind started drifting not just on how the influence and behavior of parents impacts their kids but how much it can derail coaches. And how coach behavior can positively impact kids and be preemptive in preventing wayward parent behavior. Or have the opposite impact if a coach is abusive and unprepared. And finally having coachable kids. It’s a three-way street. A very equal one, in fact.
Aha. We’re talking about the utopian youth sports dynamic. We’re talking about the equilateral triangle!
Many current youth sports look more like an isosceles triangle, the one with two equal sides and in turn one short side. Usually the kid gets the shaft.
Or the scalene triangle. Also not ideal.
I have often thought about how coaches, parents and kids shouldn’t independently not be a-holes but never about how truly intertwined their roles are. Thinking more on the equal triangle objection I believe in at least attempting the balance.
To further elaborate, let’s look at each role and how they connect, starting with the parent or guardian.
The Parent. Being a wholesome parent of a young athlete is much more difficult than it seems. You are innately a fan. Often you share an interest in the sport you are playing, hopefully you get to practice together. This is especially tricky in for our youngest athletes in sports like softball or baseball. For those starting out, say in the 5-7 range, it’s imperative that the parent plays catch with the kid outside of practice or they might fall behind their peers and have a negative experience. That’s valuable bonding time, too. But then the parent who is essentially functioning as a skill development coach on the side needs to morph back into supportive parent mode when it’s time for games and practices. That means fully ceding control.
This is when it’s crucial to establish a positive relationship with the coach. Be willing to volunteer for something as tedious as snack duty. Keep your availability updated, and get your kid to events on time. Keep them home if they’re sick or extra grumpy. Make sure your coach knows if your kid is neurodivergent or has any other medical issues. Ask the coach for feedback. But mostly stay out of the way. Don’t discount the coach because they are a “parent-coach.” A little empathy goes a long way.
As for the parent-kid relationship well that dynamic is tantamount to everyone’s happiness. Be an outlet for your kid. But don’t smother them with your thoughts about who should actually play centerfield or how they need to work on their communication in volleyball. Give your kid space to initiate concerns and thoughts and then deal with them. Look for signs of unhappiness. Are they withdrawn? Are they suddenly struggling? Gently ask about their opinions on the sports they play. Learn what drives them. Most importantly, make sure they’re having fun.
The Coach: Youth sports coaches can be among the most influential figures in a kid’s life. You have to start by caring about everyone from the star to the most developing player. If you’re a coach who is only there to make sure your kid doesn’t get stuck on a “poorly-coached” team, step aside. The world is full of imperfect situations; nothing wrong in kids navigating that maze early on. Remember the life lessons.
But since you’re a “perfect” coach, you will model preparedness. Have a parents meeting to explain your philosophy and set expectations. Come to each practice on time with a plan. Whether you’re a volunteer or paid coach matters not, for those 60 or 90 minutes you are in charge and framing the team culture.
And think long and hard about your tone with kids which might have some variance depending on the situation. Take all the coach and SafeSport trainings your organization offers. Get to know each kid and their goals. Make it fun, and depending on the sport, make sure you have enough assistants so kids aren’t sitting around twiddling their thumbs.
Lastly, don’t be that coach who gives their kid all the prime positions simply because they share DNA. Conversely, don’t be that coach who limits their kid’s playing time so as not to appear to play favorites even though the kid is one of the stronger players. I recently did just that while coaching a futsal game. I had six players and needed to start five so I started with my son on the bench for no reason other than fear of being judged. My son wasn’t happy about it before or after the match, and in hindsight I understand. If a coach is there for the right reasons, public perception shouldn’t matter. But yeah, in the wise words of Run DMC, it’s tricky.
The Kid. It’s hard to thrust too much responsibility on kids when they are younger but they should understand how their behavior can impact team chemistry. Parents should be emphasizing things like not being a distraction, helping the coach carry equipment, complimenting teammates, and saying thank you, but ultimately it’s the kid who needs to display this behavior.
As they get more into the middle school and high school sports, they should be thinking about leadership and time management and seeking feedback. They should have open and honest conversations with their coaches and parents. This assumes the coach and parent are giving the kid a red carpet to share their thoughts. That’s a perfect triangle.
Achieving the perfect triangle is, of course, much easier said than done. There will be bumps and shakes, much like trying to hold a mountain pose for a lengthy period of time. Let your foot drop and then put it back. In the end, if we reframe our thoughts back toward the goal of a beautifully equal triangle, the youth sports world would be a much happier and saner place.